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Irish Jokes: page 6

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These pages are the collected jokes from the Irish Culture and Customs Newsletters of previous years. If you would like to subscibe to our free Newsletter, enter your E-Mail address in the box in the right margin. Then you'll see the jokes sooner. Enjoy!


Sean and his wife, Aoife, had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" Sean did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political adverts on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political dverts again. When he came in to eat dinner he tried the TV again but still only found political adverts. The next day when he still found only political adverts he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political adverts, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

A European tourist is lost and stops in an Irish village to ask for directions. He sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness. “Parlez-vous Francais, he asks. The old men look at each other and shake their heads. “Sprechen sie Deutsch?” Again, the old men shake their heads. Beginning to get a bit irritated, the tourist asks “Habla Espanol?” The men once again shake their heads. Totally exasperated by now, the tourist asks “Parla l'italiano?” The men once again look at each other and then shake their heads in puzzlement. The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off. One old man sais to the other, “You know, Sean, perhaps we should learn another language.” “Ah get on with yeh; look at him, he knows four and it didn’t do him a bit of good.”

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23.  She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.  Little Sean was excited about the task.  But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Sean was so nervous that when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know."

Brendan was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up the drink." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Brendan looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one.”

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said 'Hoover'. "It's the biggest dam I know," said the priest.

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation! "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order? The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

Paddy and Mick had emigrated from Ireland and worked together in an Ontario clothing factory. Both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'panty stitcher'. I sews the lastic onta ladies' cotton knickers. The clerk looked up 'panty stitcher' on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave Paddy $80 dollars a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation, he replied, 'diesel fitter'. Since 'diesel fitter' was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 dollars a week. When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, 'panty stitchers' are unskilled and 'diesel fitters' are skilled labour. "What skill?" yelled Paddy?!  "I sews da lastic onta da knickers. Mick puts dem over his head and says: 'Right ye are so, dese 'ull fit her.'"

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."The second said," I sent her a BMW with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in an Irish monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: " "Seamus,” she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Sean," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the BMW. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donal," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

A guy sitting at a bar in an international airport noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for? Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh darn, she doesn't work for Delta". A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned on him "What in God's name do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Aer Lingus!"

The Kerry Furniture dealer Goes To France
A furniture dealer from Kerry decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Kerry. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.  As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.  He invited her to sit down.  He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.  She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.  After sitting together at the table for awhile, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.  They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.  She nodded, and they got up to dance.  They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.  Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Two Kerry factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man. "How do you think you'll do that?" asked the blonde.He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down. His supervisor walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing. "I'm a light bulb," answered the man. "I think you need some time off," said the supervisor. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde began walking out too. "Where do you think you're going?" demanded the supervisor. The blonde answered, "Home, sir. I can't work in the dark."

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your
trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

The American had been fishing for two weeks at Ballinahinch without getting a bite. On the last day of his vacation he caught a small salmon.
"Turlough," he said to his gillie as the fish was gaffed, "that salmon cost me five hundred dollars." "Well now sir," comforted Turlough, "aren't you the lucky man you didn't catch two."

Sean says to Dr. Flynn, "Doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."Hmm", says Dr. Flynn- "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common? asks Sean.
"It's not unusual."

Mr. Smith was travelling through Europe. When he visited the Pope, he noticed a red phone on a small table in the corner of the office. After several minutes of conversation, Smith asked the Pope what the red phone was for. The Holy Father told him that it was a very special phone with a direct line to God. However, the Pope told Smith that he rarely used it because it cost $20,000 a minute from the Vatican. Without another thought, Smith accepted this explanation. Later, when Smith visited Ireland, he saw another red phone in the Archbishop's office. Being curious, Smith asked the Archbishop what it was for. The Archbishop told Smith it was a direct line to God, and he used it whenever he had a puzzling question or concern. Smith asked if the calls were quite expensive since the Pope had to pay $20,000 a minute when he used his red phone in the Vatican. "Oh no," replied the Archbishop, "In Ireland it's a local call."

A Kerryman gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is 
between Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the driver. "Okay," 
says the Kerryman "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" The irate driver says "It's still about 2 hours, boyo. Why'd ye think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the Kerryman, "It's only a 
week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time 
between New Year's to Christmas!"

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and they were also the meanest. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite.  And that was just for starters. Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town.  You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."
"I won't do such a thing.  T'would be a lie!" "I know you will," says Mike.  "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose." The priest is over a barrel.  "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?"  "Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note. Next morning at the funeral, the priest begins the eulogy: "Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being.  But compared to his brother, Mike, Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a
sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's
too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence. The Mother Superior said, "Sister, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the convent for 5 years before the Mother Superior said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been
here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that. We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Mother Superior. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Mother Superior assured her that
the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary in the community, the Mother Superior again called Sister Mary Katherine into her office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Mother Superior. "You've done nothing but gripe since you got here."

The teacher was explaining the different sizes of whales to her seven year olds, when little Sean raised his hand. "Yes, Sean?" "Teacher! Jonah was swallowed by a whale." "I don't think so Sean, a whale doesn't have a mouth big enough to swallow a man.""Yes, they do, my bible says so. Jonah was swallowed by a whale." "Sorry Sean I just cannot believe that."
"Well, when I go to heaven, I'll ask Jonah." The teacher replied with a smug grin. "What if Jonah isn't in heaven Sean?" Sean hesitated for a moment then answered. "Then you can ask him."

A young girl came to the late Father Healy of Cork, and sadly made her confession: "Father, I fear I've committed the sin of vanity," she announced. "What makes you think that?" asked her father-confessor. "Because every morning, when I look in the mirror, I cannot help but think how beautiful I am." "Never fear, colleen," was the reassuring reply. "That isn't a sin; it's only a mistake."

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square,do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that that was quite clever. The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that that was good. The chemist said that his dog could do better still. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard,and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that that was very impressive.Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. They all agreed that that was brilliant!

After the Britain Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

The American tourist passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you 500 punts for him." "He doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said. The tourist insisted, "I think he looks just fine and I'll up the price to 1,000 punts. "He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours." The next day the tourist came back in a rage. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!" The farmer calmly replied, "Now how could that be. I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"


Irish Jokes: page 6

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Donkey Photograph from Marcus Gunther. See our article Irish Cards.