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Irish Jokes: page 5

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These pages are the collected jokes from the Irish Culture and Customs Newsletters of previous years. If you would like to subscibe to our free Newsletter, enter your E-Mail address in the box in the right margin. Then you'll see the jokes sooner. Enjoy!


A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables. She's down to her last 50 Euros. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29 and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a Guinness before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. He finishes that one and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a diabolical, desperate, mangled midden, and furthermore ..."The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the chapel fills first." The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to Sunday Mass, so I supported you when you brought that rock'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." Thank you Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest. "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know son," replied the older priest. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell," can't stay on the chapel roof!

A young man from America went to visit his 90-year old grandfather who lived in a very secluded, rural part of Ireland. After his first night, his grandfather prepared a traditional Irish breakfast consisting of eggs, bacon and black pudding.The young man noticed a filmy substance on his plate and he asked his grandfather: "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied: "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on now and finish your meal." Later in the day, while eating the sandwich his grandfather had made for lunch, the young man noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and what looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again: "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his sandwich, the grandfather says: "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them - stop being so fussy -you're in Ireland now, not back in America!" That afternoon, the young man was on his way out to the pub in a nearby village. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Granddad," the young man called, "your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the newspaper he was reading, his grandfather shouted: "COLDWATER, get out of the way!"

An old man in Dublin calls his son in New York right before Christmas and says, "Son, I 'm sorry, but I have to tell you that after 45 years of misery, your mother and I are busting up. " "Da, what are you talking about?" the son yells in disbelief. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're leaving each other!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Dublin immediately and screams at her father, "You are not splitting up. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Well then," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas and paying their own way!"

Seamus was getting exasperated and shouted upstairs to his wife," Sheila, will you please hurry up or we'll be late." "Oh, calm yourself, Seamus" Sheila replied. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Sean goes into his dentist's office, because of a pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Good God, man! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it...Hollandaise sauce
she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables...everything." "That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time." "Why chrome?" Sean asked. "Well," said the dentist, "everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

Mrs. Casey was telling her friend Mrs. Kelly about a rather juicy rumour. "That's very interesting," said Mrs. Kelly. "Come on, tell me more about it." Mrs. Casey said, "I can't. I've already told you more than I heard!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door; when he opens it, an obviously inebriated stranger is standing there in the pouring rain. The stranger asks for a push."Jam on your egg," says the husband, "it's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and goes back to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife."Just some fluthered eejit asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's three in the morning and it's lashing out there. "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Remember about three months ago when we broke down and that nice couple helped us out? I think you should help him; you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man sighs, does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark."Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing!"
*Irish slang: Jam on your egg - wishful thinking; will never happen

Making Money for the Church
Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish and asked for suggestions as to how he could raise money for the church. He was told that the horse owner always had money, so he went to the horse auction, but made a very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey.
However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race. The donkey came in third, and the next morning, the headlines in the paper read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS
The Archbishop saw the paper and was greatly displeased. The next day, the donkey came in first and the headlines read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Archbishop was up in arms. Something had to be done. Father Murphy had entered the donkey again and it had come in second. The headlines read.
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE
This was too much for the Archbishop, so he forbade the priest to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines then read:
ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS
Finally, the Archbishop ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. The Archbishop ordered her to dispose of the animal at once. She sold it for ten dollars. Next day, the headlines read:
SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS
They buried the Archbishop three days later.

A group of Kerry engineers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck. An engineer from Dublin comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the Kerry engineers what they're doing. "We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole." The Dublin engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the Kerry group. The Kerry man looks at the paper, snickers and says to the others: "Isn't that just like a Dubliner? We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge in Dublin. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. Before the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

I was on the 7.45 a.m bus over thirty years ago, one miserable monday morning on the way to work after catching the first bus half an hour earlier which brought me in to O'Connell Bridge in Dublin through the torrents of rain to get on this one soaking wet. Well upstairs (which was in those days the smoking deck, as you might remember), I sat down next to a window and looked out the window only to see the darkness of another horrible early morning traffic jam with the cars and lorries all trying to get out of Dublin. I was training to be a watchmaker out in Blanchardstown. Anyhow with the rain pouring down and the heavy pall of cigarette smoke hanging over the packed upper level of the C.I.E bus you could hear a pin drop as everybody was thoroughly dejected at another dismal trip out to, as Americans would call it, "The Boonies".You could also see the steam rising off the occupants of the bus as the heater at full blast was now drying out some of the passengers who had been on the longest. Which made you at least realize, you were actually better off on the bus than trudging through the rain to wherever you needed to go! Well as I said it was extremely quiet and all that could be heard were the smokers exhaling into this growing fog. There were two Country fellas as we would call them in Dublin behind me and one said to the other, "Mick, were you at the match in Croke park yesterday?". Mick said just a flat "No" and the other fella whose name heard was Brendan said, "all the fellas in his work thought that people who liked hurling were proper eejits!". There was silence for the next 30 seconds or so until Mick said matter of factly, "Isn't it gas all the same Brendan, how they can get 80,000 eejits at one time in the one place." I laughed all the way out to Blanchardstown. over 45 minutes - Mind you not too loud, they were also bigger than me at the time.

The local priest had just hired a new housekeeper, Mary. The first morning while Father was having breakfast, Mary entered the room and exclaimed that the toaster was not working. He explained to Mary now that she was part of the household she should refer to the toaster as "our toaster". A few days later Mary mentioned to Father that the refrigerator was not working. He once again explained that she should refer to it as "our refrigerator". About a month later, the priest was entertaining the Bishop for dinner when Mary rushed into the room screaming in panic, "Father, Father, there's a mouse under our bed!"

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong four-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent. Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her avid interest in what Santa might bring, reminded the four-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (Sarah's aunt), if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the four-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on. Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, sweetie?" In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."

Father O'Malley was going through the post one day. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it just one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday at Mass, he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed their name and forgot to write a letter."

It was opening night at the theatre and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famous hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists, who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. "The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces! "S***"! yelled Claude. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

At 85 years of age, Patrick marries Kate, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is getting on in years, Kate decides that after their wedding she and Patrick should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that he might overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Kate prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Patrick, her 85 year old groom, ready to make love. They unite as one. All goes well, Patrick takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Kate hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Patrick. Again he is ready for more love-making. Somewhat surprised, Kate consents. When the newlyweds are done, Patrick kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Patrick is back, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old. Once more. they enjoy each other. But as Patrick gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at 85 you can perform so well and so often. I have heard that most men a third of your age are only any good just once. You are truly a great lover, Patrick." Patrick, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Kate and says: "You mean I was here already?"

Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his | parishioners: "The drink has killed millions - it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions - it coats your lungs and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions..."
" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?

Sean met a woman at a luxurious resort and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night the two of hem went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. Sean began by saying to his new lady friend that while she meant a lot to him, "It's only fair to warn you that when I'm at home I am completely consumed by golf. I eat, sleep and breath golf. so if that's a problem,you'd better say so right now." "Well, since we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied."I'm a hooker." "I see," replied Sean, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

Father O'Malley arose one fine spring morning, walked to the window of his bedroom to take in the beauty of the day and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the gardai. The conversation went like this: Dia Dhuit, this is Sgt. O' Flaherty and how might we be of help to you?" Good day to yourself, Sergeant. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead on our front lawn. Would you be a good man now and send a couple of the lads to to take care of the matter?" Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded: "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Indeed, indeed, Sergeant O'Flaherty, but we're also obliged to notify the next of kin!"


Irish Jokes: page 5

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Donkey Photograph from Marcus Gunther. See our article Irish Cards.