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Irish Jokes: page 2

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These pages are the collected jokes from the Irish Culture and Customs Newsletters of previous years. If you would like to subscibe to our free Newsletter, enter your E-Mail address in the box in the right margin. Then you'll see the jokes sooner. Enjoy!


Sean goes into the pub and asks for three Guinness. He sits there and sips from the first one, then the second, and the third. He does this until finally all three pints are finished. He pays the bill and leaves. A couple of nights later he comes back and repeats the ritual. This goes on for a while and finally the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks why the three Guinness and why drink them all together the way he does. "Well, " says Sean, "My brother Michael is in the USA and my other brother Liam is in Australia. We can't meet in the pub and share a Guinness, so we have an agreement that whenever we go have a drink, we order three pints and pretend we're together." The bartender thinks to himself, "What a wonderful idea." A few months go by and one night Sean comes in and he orders two Guinness. The bartender is afraid to ask, but Sean seems fine, so finally the bartender says, "I see you've only ordered two Guinness tonight. Did something happen to one of your brothers?"No, no," says Sean, "They're both fit as a fiddle and healthy as horses!" "So why only the two Guinness?" asks the bartender. "Ah, well now," says Sean, "I've given up Guinness for Lent."

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation." "Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job." "Sure now," interrupted the politician, "but wasn't somebody after creating the chaos first?"

This is adapted from one sent in by Pauline - thank you!
A pompous priest was seated next to an Irishman on a flight home.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for an Irish whiskey. The attendant placed the drink on his tray and then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust," I'd rather be savagely ravaged by brazen hussies than let alcohol touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me
too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

Miss O'Leary, our lovely little old spinster from Leitrim makes a return visit this week. After Mass one Sunday, she went up to the priest and said, "I have to tell you Father, your sermons are a wonder to behold. Sure we didn't know what sin was till you came to the parish!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman go into a pub. They all order Guinness. After the pints are on the bar three flies come down and dive into the Guinness; one for each pint.
The Englishman pushes his back and orders another one.
The Scotsman reaches in and picks out the fly, throws it on the floor and drinks normally.
The Irishman reaches in, picks out the fly, holds it up and says,
“Spit it out you bastard.”

This one's adapted from one sent in by our friend AG - thank you!
The first priest says, "You know, since the warm weather started, I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything - noise, cats, spray, nothing seems to scare them away." The second priest says, "My church, too. There are hundreds of them living in the cellar. I've set traps and even called in an expert exterminator. Nothing has worked so far." The third priest says, "I had the same problem. So I baptized them all and made them members of my parish. Haven't seen one of them since."

While impatiently waiting for a table in a restaurant, Miss O'Leary says to Mrs. Clancy, "If they weren't so crowded in here all the time, they'd do a lot more business."

A man walked into the lingerie department of Dunnes in Dublin and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." What type of bra? asked the clerk. "Baptist" said the man. She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant." "Ah yes, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type. or the Presbyterian type."Confused the man asked, "What's the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple; the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. Then there's the Baptist type." "What does that do?" asked the man. She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."

The spring bank holiday was over and the teacher asked the class how they had spent the time. Kevin eagerly put up his hand. "We visited our cousins in Carrigaline!" "Well, Kevin," says the teacher, "that sounds like a brilliant vocabulary word - can you tell the class how to spell Carrigaline?" Kevin furrowed his brow, chewed on his lip, and then said with a big grin, "Em, well now, come to think of it, we went to Cork!"

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "That's a great idea!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get up and get your own blanket."

Two men walked into a pub late one afternoon and noticed that, among the few customers, was one individual sitting quietly at the end of the bar. The two ordered some beers. The bartender brought them and said, "that will be 50p please." They put it on the slate and a short time later ordered two more beers; again they were charged 25p each. The two could not believe the price and after having a third beer for the same amount, they decided to ask the bartender what the catch was. The bartender replied, "there is no catch, gentlemen. I have just started brewing this beer on the premises and I'm selling it below cost to introduce it to my customers. I'm happy to see you're enjoying it." Indeed, they noticed that almost everyone was enjoying the beer and the remarkable price except for the one man at the end of the bar. He had not ordered anything since the two came in. Becoming very curious about this individual, the two asked the bartender, "Doesn't he ever order anything?" "Oh yes," said the bartender. "That's Patrick Curran, our local accountant. He's waiting for happy hour."

This is adapted from one sent in by AG - thanks!
An Irishman died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone in the universe has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's St. Patrick's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Daniel O'Connell's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bertie Ahern's clock?" asked the man. "Bertie's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

This was sent in by Kathy W. Thanks for the laugh!
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the. table. The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

This one is adapted from one sent in by Eileen Mc. in NY.
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those ...Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Ireland. They're still too cold and damp to burn."

This one came in from Penny R. Thanks, Penny!
Mrs. O'Reilly returned home from a vacation to France where she had taken a cooking class. She tells her husband Paddy she is going to prepare him a special meal and he is to go down to Sean's Market and buy two dozen escargot, which she explains to Paddy are snails. Mrs. O'Reilly admonishes Paddy to come right home, no stops at the pub, because she wants to have escargot for dinner. Paddy buys the snails and is on his way home but alas, his route takes him right by his favorite pub. Just one he tells himself. Well, perhaps another he says after having the first pint. The company is good, the tales are tall, and Paddy finds himself having three or four. As Paddy heads home he realizes it has become dark and knows his lovely wife will be waiting and sharpening her tongue for him. As Paddy opens the gate to home the porch light comes on and he hears the door begin to open. Paddy empties the bag of escargot on the ground and says in a loud voice "Come on now lads! You're almost there."

Miss O'Leary, our favorite ninety-year old, once again gives us fodder for a giggle.
The man from the window company called Miss O'Leary on the telephone. "Miss O'Leary, he says, you haven't made a single payment on your new windows. Is there something the matter?" Bristling with annoyance, Miss O'Leary replies. "I may be up in years, but I still have my wits about me. Wasn't your man after telling me those windows would pay for themselves in a year?"

We can't win at home, we can't win away. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play. Jock Brown - Celtic General Manager.

Twins Jack and Sarah were always squabbling. Tired of listening to them yelling at each other and knowing full well neither one would admit they were in the wrong, their mother says, "I have an idea: Sarah, why don't you tell Jack you were wrong, and Jack, you tell Sarah she was right. So, Sarah says to Jack "I was wrong." Jack grins and says to Sarah: "You are right."

Two lovely old biddies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week for a cup of tea and a natter. One day they were sipping their tea when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't go getting upset with me...I know we've been pals for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. At last, she said, "How soon do you need to know?

A young lad had just gotten his provisional license. (learner's permit) He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "If you bring your marks up, study your bible, and get your hair cut, we'll talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could now discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Well, son, I see that your marks have improved, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Didn't Samson have long hair, Moses have long hair, Noah have long hair, and even Jesus himself have long hair?" His father replied, "They did so, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Morris walks out into the street and hails a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Liam." "Who?" "Liam O'Connor. There's a lad who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Liam.""Every path has its puddle" says Morris." "It wasn't like that with Liam," says the cabbie."He was a brilliant athlete. He could have played football for Kerry. He could golf with the pros. He sang like Ronan Tynon and he danced like Michael Flatley. What's more, he had a memory like Methusalah. He could remember everyone's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole town goes out.""No wonder you remember him." says Morris. "Well, I never actually met the man." "Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris. "I married his widow."

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"

Well, our lovely 90-year old Miss O'Leary is at it again....she was certain her horse would win the big race at the Curragh because the bookie told her it would start at twenty to one and the race didn't begin until a quarter past.

This is adapted from one sent in by John O. Many thanks!
Pat and Mike are drinking in the done-up version of their local pub, The Continental Bistro and Bar in the Ballybegorrah Arms Hotel, Killarney. They take in the no-sawdust on the new Italian tile floor; the hi-back red leather bar stools; the bowls of free black olives, cashew nuts and tasty "tapas" on the shiny, black, two inch thick, granite counter. "Ye know", Pat," says Mike, "it's all brilliant, but I miss the auld spittoon." Pat takes his pipe from his mouth, sips his pint, then says,"You always did, me auld friend. You always did."

While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class. At the appropriate time, she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students. The first child said, "I am Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
The second child said, "I am Jewish, and this is my Star of David."
The third child said, "I am Catholic, and this is my rosary."
The final child said, "I am Protestant, and this is my casserole dish.

An Irish lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." "Well, thank you kindly, sir" says she. As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water, however, is another matter entirely."

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb, one to screw it in, and one to say how grand the old one was.


Irish Jokes: page 2

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Donkey Photograph from Marcus Gunther. See our article Irish Cards.