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Irish Jokes: page 7
pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
These pages are the collected jokes from the Irish Culture and Customs Newsletters of previous years. If you would like to subscibe to our free Newsletter, enter your E-Mail address in the box in the right margin. Then you'll see the jokes sooner. Enjoy!
The Monsignor greeted Paddy and said "Congratulations on your 50th wedding anniversary"! Have you any plans made on how to celebrate?"
"Well," said Paddy, "on our 25th Anniversary I took Mary to Ireland."
And what are you going to do on your 50th?" asked the Msgr.
"Well," said Paddy "I think I'll bring her back."
Sean and Liam were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". Liam says to Sean, "Now isn't that a shame. If Seamus was with us, we could have gotten the job".
A Texas rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that here too."
One Irishman was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies. "You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell." "I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."
A Kerryman and an American were sitting at the Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet me brother", said the Kerryman, "he's due to fly in
from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't", said the Kerryman, "after all these years."
"I wonder if he will recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will". Said the Kerryman, "sure I haven't been away at all."
The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish. "Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden. "What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus. "You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time." "Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home." "Do ya expect me to believe such an outlandish tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus. So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes - no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
"Ha, ya lying rogue!" shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"
St. Brigid dies and goes to Heaven. God greets her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Brigid?" asks God. "I could eat, says she.
So God opens a can of tuna, reaches for a chunk of dry bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, St. Brigid looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries, and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet. The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. As before, it is tuna and dry bread. Once again, St. Brigid can see the denizens of Hell enjoying smoked salmon, roast lamb, Guinness and Irish whiskey cake. Still she says nothing.The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. She cannot contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in Heaven with you as a reward for my life of piety, obedience and generosity. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings!
I just don't understand..."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," he says, "for just
the two of us, does it pay to cook?"
Irish patient to fellow in the next bed, "Look, the doctor's coming round soon. Try to cheer him up because he's very worried about you."
Father O'Malley arose one fine spring morning, walked to the window of his bedroom to take in the beauty of the day and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the gardai. The conversation went like this: Dia Dhuit, this is Sgt. O' Flaherty and how might we be of help to you?" Good day to yourself, Sergeant. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead on our front lawn. Would you be a good man now and send a couple of the lads to to take care of the matter?" Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded: "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Indeed, indeed, Sergeant O'Flaherty, but we're also obliged to notify the next of kin!"
Irish Jokes: page 7
pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
Donkey Photograph from Marcus Gunther. See our article Irish Cards.
Tue, Dec 2, 2014
Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*
Not so long ago, Irish Christmas decorations were much simpler than they are now. The children gathered holly and ivy for adorning, windows, doorways, mantles and pictures, and the father would carve out a turnip in which would be placed a large red candle. This would go in the window to light the way for the Holy Family on Christmas Eve. Only in relatively recent times did an Irish family have a Nativity scene and a decorated tree in the house. As for Mistletoe, it's quite rare in ireland and is generally associated with ancient Celtic and Druidic fertility celebrations; this is most likely where the custom of kissing under the mistletoe comes from.
*Old Irish Christmas toast
Image: Pashley Manor Gardens.
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Love the aroma of a turf fire? Experience the next best thing with Irish Incense, the peaceful, nostalgic scent that will transport you back in time and place. The perfect gift for Christmas or any other occasion, order now. A special offer for Irish Culture and Customs visitors: 10% discount on all
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the web site.
Click here for Irish Incense.
The Big Little Book of Irish Wit & Wisdom
Six separate, enchanting gift books have been remade into one hefty little volume. Collection includes classic Irish triads dating from the ninth century, 28 riddles of traditional Irish life, 32 prayers and blessings for all occasions, 50 proverbs, and the best of Ireland's toasts. 250 color illustrations. Edited from an Ingram review.
Click here for Irish Wit
Quotations are listed Alphabetically from Appearances to Women Entries are grouped under subject headings, with both an author index and a first line index.
Click here for Irish Quotations
Never Throw Stones at Your Mother:
Irish Insults and Curses
by David Ross (Editor)
Are the Irish the world's champion insulters? Few nations could assemble such an extensive lexicon of lethal weapons or make a mother cry by telling her that she's no more use than a chocolate teapot.
From the earliest days, when strong warriors trembled before the satirical bard, the art of insult has been employed in Ireland with devastating effect. And the tradition shows no sign of weakening.
In Ithis memorable collection, outlandishly creative insults are paired with Irish stock favorites. Sections on sports, schools and scholars, politicians, actors, authors, lawyers, men, women, and family life are punctuated with the burning writings of the "Great Insulters" from Swift to Wilde.
Click here for Never throw stones at your Mother.
Aka Brian O'Nolan, aka Myles na Gopaleen, the great Irish humorist and writer Flann O'Brien also wrote a newspaper column called "Cruiskeen Lawn" for the Irish Times. This book collects the best and funniest, covering such subjects as plumbers, the justice system, and improbable inventions. According to one reviewer: "I envy anyone who has not yet read this book - the outrageous details of the Ventriloquists' War, the intricacies of the Catechism of Cliché, and the wisdom of the Brother all await your delighted discovery."
Click here for Best of Myles.