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Irish Jokes: page 3

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These pages are the collected jokes from the Irish Culture and Customs Newsletters of previous years. If you would like to subscibe to our free Newsletter, enter your E-Mail address in the box in the right margin. Then you'll see the jokes sooner. Enjoy!


Father Murphy went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the priest had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me." The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below Father Murphy's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10": "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself."

t's not really a joke, but is definitely good for a giggle! Sir Boyle Roche, MP for Co. Kerry was notorious for his oratorical blunders. Witness this lovely example:
During the French Revolution, he warned that the revolutionaries might invade Ireland. "Sir," he declaimed, "they would break in, cut us to mince meat and throw our bleeding heads on that table to stare us in the face."  Who would not answer such a call to arms, not to mention legs and feet?"

Next Of Kin
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. O'Toole, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun persisted. "Just my sister in America" he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. O'Toole. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God." "Wonderful," said O'Toole. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

This one came in from Judith F - thanks!
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the lady all dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the man wearing black?"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

"Which is the first and most important sacrament?" asked the Catechism teacher. "Marriage", avowed Moira. "No, baptism is the first and most important sacrament," corrected the teacher. "Not in our family," retorted Moira, in a haughty voice. "We're decent people!"

Charlie was a regular visitor at the Galway Races. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Thinking there might be something to it, Charlie put a couple of euros on the blessed horse. Sure enough it came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty euros! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead a thousand, so between races Charlie left the track, went to the bank and withdrew his life's savings. The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put every euro he owned on that horse to win. The race began. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, Charlie's pick was last! Devastated, he found the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?" "Ye must be a Protestant," sighed the priest. "The trouble is you can't tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

A wealthy couple from Texas were touring Ireland and found themselves in a tiny rural village at lunchtime. The only place serving food was a somewhat rustic looking cafe which in their opinion, had seen better days. Having no other choice, they carefully stepped over the pooch snoozing on the threshold and went inside. As they sat down, the husband frowned as he brushed some crumbs from his chair and his wife did likewise as she wiped the table with her napkin.The waitress came over and asked if they would like to see a menu. "No thanks," said the husband. "I'll just have a cup of tea with cream and sugar."I'll have the same", his wife said. "And please make sure the cup is clean." Unphased by the rudeness of the remark, the waitress smiled and marched off into the kitchen. A few minutes later, she was back."Two cups of tea," she announced in her lovely lilting Irish brogue..."And which one of you was it who wanted the clean cup?"

It's a wee bit lengthy, but worth the read.
There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!
And for those of you who thought this would be off-colour, say two Hail Marys!

At every tea-break, Sean, the hod-carrier was always boasting to his older work-mate, Mike the brick- layer, that he was the better worker because he was stronger, faster, and younger. Mike stoically put up with the bragging until one day, he couldn't take it any more. "Well, Sean", he said, I'll bet a week's wages I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." Sean laughed derisively and agreed to the bet. With that, Mike grabbed the handles of the wheelbarrow and told Sean to get in.

Another giggle adapted from one sent in by Patricia in England. Thanks!
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline & cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion, 30 years younger..... Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!

Katie and Moira are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Katie is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" she complains to Moira. "What a pity," says Moira. As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day. "All well and good, says Katie, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

The concierge at a posh resort was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," he told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted until the
man behind them spoke up. "They're from Ireland," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

In Killarney, an American tourist sees a sign in front of a farmhouse: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the farmer tells him the dog is around the back. The tourist goes behind the house and sees a black mutt just sitting there "You talk?" he asks. "Indeed." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking when I was very young and I wanted to be of help to humanity, so I told Interpol about my gift; in no time they had me flying from country to country, sitting in rooms with world leaders, because no one would believe a dog would be listening. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and eavesdropping. I uncovered some very shady dealings there and was awarded a ton of medals. Then I settled down, had a wife, a dozen or so puppies, and now I'm just retired." The tourist is amazed. He goes back and asks the farmer what he wants for the dog. The farmer says, "Ten euros, sir." The tourist sputters, "But that dog is incredible. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" The farmer shrugs and says "Ah well, sir, you, see, isn't he just the biggest liar this side of Croagh Patrick? He's done none of what he told ye."

Father Doyle was a clever speaker and a firm advocate of abstinence, the closure of pubs on Sundays, and a standard of morality that would ensure a warm welcome in Heaven. One Sunday morning, among his listeners was a young country girl who was new to the parish. She was deeply impressed with the priest's eloquent preaching. Indeed, so impressed that she included a few lines about him in her next letter home:
"I never get tired of listening to Father Doyle. He is such a lovely speaker, you'd swear that every word he says is true."

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus." "We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin." "You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated and moved out of the house."

Two Irish men are in a plane. The roof comes off! Mick says to Paddy, "If this plane turns upside down will we fall out??""No way Mick" says Paddy, "we'll still be best friends."

Three priests went for a ramble in the country. It was unusually hot for Ireland in September and before too long, they were sweating profusely. They came upon a small lake and since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few blackberries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, they saw a group of ladies from the village coming towards them. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates. "I don't know about you two," he replied, "but in my parish, it's my face they would recognize."

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on the roof of a skyscraper. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping as well." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he was so bored with burritos." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife...
wait for it.........
Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said !*#!, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again. "!*#!, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really angry now and says, "Father , God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father swings and misses again. "!*#!, I missed." A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes the nun dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice.........
"S!*#!, I missed."

The store manager, O'Reilly, heard Maryann his assistant tell a customer, "No mam, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." O'Reilly was horrified and ran over to the customer and said, "Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week." Then he took the assistant aside and said, "Never, never, say we're out of anything - say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now what was it she wanted?" "Rain," said the assistant.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to squabble over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Idly, the American tourist watched the Cork man dig and turn over the soil. Eventually he called out: "Hey, buddy, what's that you're doing?"
"I'm digging potatoes, sir." "Potatoes? You call those puny things potatoes? Back home in Idaho we have potatoes ten times that size!" "Indeed sir, and that's as it needs be; a good potato should be of a size to fit the mouth."

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Dublin. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one food that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

A bit of graveyard humor in observation of October and the run up to Samhaim
Beneath this stone lies Murphy
They buried him today
He lived the life of Reilly
While Reilly was away


Irish Jokes: page 3

pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |

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Donkey Photograph from Marcus Gunther. See our article Irish Cards.

 

Tue, Aug 26, 2014


The idols of Boa Island

Boa is at the lower end of Lough Erne in Co. Fermanagh. Here, in the ancient Caldragh cemetery are two pre-Christian stone figures - the Janus statue and a smaller statue, the Lusty Man. Shown is the more famous of the two - a double-sided figure of two beings carved back-to-back. Interestingly, this type of figure is often referred to when the calendar year has just turned and we are glancing back even as we move forward. Also, the month of January is named after Janus, the Roman god of doors and gates. Often flowers and coins are left at the base of both statues - perhaps for good luck in the new year? Speculation as to what the idols represent continues.
Photo Credit: Bucknell University

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The Big Little Book of Irish Wit & Wisdom

Six separate, enchanting gift books have been remade into one hefty little volume. Collection includes classic Irish triads dating from the ninth century, 28 riddles of traditional Irish life, 32 prayers and blessings for all occasions, 50 proverbs, and the best of Ireland's toasts. 250 color illustrations. Edited from an Ingram review.
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Quotations are listed Alphabetically from Appearances to Women Entries are grouped under subject headings, with both an author index and a first line index.
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Never Throw Stones at Your Mother:
Irish Insults and Curses

by David Ross (Editor)

Are the Irish the world's champion insulters? Few nations could assemble such an extensive lexicon of lethal weapons or make a mother cry by telling her that she's no more use than a chocolate teapot.
From the earliest days, when strong warriors trembled before the satirical bard, the art of insult has been employed in Ireland with devastating effect. And the tradition shows no sign of weakening.
In Ithis memorable collection, outlandishly creative insults are paired with Irish stock favorites. Sections on sports, schools and scholars, politicians, actors, authors, lawyers, men, women, and family life are punctuated with the burning writings of the "Great Insulters" from Swift to Wilde.

Click here for Never throw stones at your Mother.



The Best of Myles
by Flann O'Brien

Aka Brian O'Nolan, aka Myles na Gopaleen, the great Irish humorist and writer Flann O'Brien also wrote a newspaper column called "Cruiskeen Lawn" for the Irish Times. This book collects the best and funniest, covering such subjects as plumbers, the justice system, and improbable inventions. According to one reviewer: "I envy anyone who has not yet read this book - the outrageous details of the Ventriloquists' War, the intricacies of the Catechism of Cliché, and the wisdom of the Brother all await your delighted discovery."
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